If Only
by justanotherwitch
Summary: *SERIES SPOILERS* After the War, Clary's life began looking up. But when Clary begins to have a reoccurring dream, it threatens to get in the way of her life. But there's something in the dream that Clary can't let go of. She knows it's a bad idea, but she wants answers. Will Clary put her curiosity behind her, or will she go searching for answers, no matter the cost?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Clary squinted in concentration, trying to capture every detail and put it into her sketch. The blends of the colors were just right, and every line was in place, but she still found that something was wrong with her work. Drawing Jace was like drawing a sunset; you could have every feature on point, but it still wouldn't be just right. Yes, the picture would be beautiful. It just wouldn't be as beautiful as the person perceives and knows it to be.

Clary let out a large sigh in frustration and let her shoulders slump. Jace, who had been sitting quietly on the windowsill reading a book, looked up. "What? Did your lead break?" he said jokingly.

"I wish," she said with a small chuckle. The two of them were in the Institute's library, enjoying the time away from society. They hadn't had a chance to just hang out lately, due to the constant calls and letters from the Clave.

The light from the afternoon sun seemed to make Jace's hair look more golden than usual, and his skin had been given a soft glow. Black runes decorated his arms, and an dark iratze stood out on the back of his neck. Jace's eyes were looking at her with curiosity, his head cocked to the side. "How am I supposed to capture this on paper?" Clary asked, exasperated.

"Well, I understand that being a stunning man, to perfect my chiseled chin and flawless hair must be quite stressful," Jace said with a smirk.

"You honestly have no idea."

Jace shook his head. "Maybe I don't but you can do tens and hundreds of times better than me. If I tried to draw you, you'd end up with lines for arms and legs. So don't get worked up about the small details."

Clary shut her sketchbook and set it on the table beside her. "I know. I'm not sure what's gotten into me lately. I'm paranoid and particular and-"

"You know what you need?" interrupted Jace, jumping off of the windowsill. "You need to relax. Be carefree and let go. All of the meetings and issues with the Clave, they're causing you to get worked up. You need to get out and do something fun.'

"What are you suggesting?" Clary asked crossing her arms.

"I'm suggesting," Jace said pulling her to her feet, "that we do something tonight. Magnus is holding a party, and I'm sure after some dancing and a few drinks, you'll feel a lot better."

"Not when I wake up in the morning with a hangover and a headache," Clary argued and Jace smiled.

"Come on Clary. I know partying isn't really your thing, and neither is trying strange beverages in neon colors, but this is just one time. Alec will be there with Magnus, Isabelle's bringing Simon, and I think Maia and Bat are going too. I promise that at any time if you want to leave-" Jace's plea was interrupted when Clary pressed her lips against his, throwing her arms around his neck. They kissed for a moment, and when Clary finally pulled away Jace frowned. "What was that for?"

"To get you to shut up," she said smiling. "What time's the party?"

…

_Chapter 2 Preview:_

_Clary ends up going to the party with Jace, and has one too many drinks!_

…

**A/N: I know that it's a really short first chapter, but I'm just trying to introduce the fanfic. The next chapter will be much longer, I can promise you that!**

**Please REVIEW!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Clary tapped her fingers dully on her hip as Isabelle walked around her in circles, adding a variety of different sprays and pins to her hair. Looking in the mirror, there was a girl who had scarlet red curls and wore black dress that flared out and ended just above her knees. For some reason, Clary just couldn't see that girl being _her._ She'd been getting ready with Isabelle for the past hour now, and she couldn't wait to finally be done.

"Would you quit fidgeting!" scolded Isabelle, trying to get yet another pin into Clary's hair. "I still have to get ready, we can't take much longer!"

Clary asked, "Well how much can there be left to do? You've done my hair, makeup, given me jewelry, dressed me up, and had me put on shoes I know I'm going to kill myself in."

"There's just one more thing," Isabelle said turning to her bed, which was covered in dresses, jewelry, and other clothing Clary couldn't even recognize. Searching through the mess of fabric and diamonds, Isabelle finally came out with a large black ribbon. "Magnus told me," she said turning back to Clary, "that this isn't won't be as much as a riot as his normal parties. It'll be a lot smaller."

"So about one hundred people minimum then?" Clary asked, not able to hide her smirk.

Isabelle took the ribbon and wrapped it around Clary's waist. "You know Magnus, the more people the better." Letting out a sigh, she finally took a step back to admire her work. She had tied the ribbon into a large bow that was defiantly the first thing you noticed when you looked at the dress. "You look great Clary, but promise me one thing. When you and Jace snog make sure he keeps his hands out of your hair? I worked very hard on it."

Clary laughed, walking towards the door. "You know Jace, there's no one stopping him from doing what he wants." Leaving Isabelle to change, Clary walked down the hall, stumbling every few steps because of the seven inch high heels she was wearing. She found Jace, Simon, Bat, and Maia all standing by the door. Simon was wear something that Isabelle must've picked out because the Simon Clary used to know and was getting to know all over again would've never picked out a jacket that nice. Bat and Maia were matching, Maia wearing a simple purple dress and Bat wearing a nice jacket similar to Simon's.

But it was truly Jace that caught Clary's attention. He wasn't wearing anything much different than the other boys. Dressed in all black, Clary didn't think that Jace looked much different than he would in his gear. Except instead of a t-shirt, he was wearing a jacket and there wasn't a weapons belt fastened around his waist.

"Well, doesn't my girlfriend look simply stunning," said Jace offering a hand to Clary. She took it and he spun her around, as if showing off everything she was wearing. "Izzy has outdone herself once again."

"Working on her barely left me anytime to get ready!" Everyone turned their heads to the end of the hall where Isabelle was walking with one hand positioned on her hip. Wearing a navy blue dress the same color as Simon's jacket, Isabelle looked as beautiful as ever. _If Isabelle lived a mundane life, _Clary thought, _she's have no trouble getting a job as a model. _

Stopping in front of the small group, Izzy raised her eyebrows and said, "Are we going to the party or what?"

…..

They could hear the music from the party blaring from a block away, and Clary could tell that this party wasn't going to be as small as she had hoped for. There was a crowd gathered at the door, and Clary was already regretting coming with Jace. But since he had done things for her before, she thought it was only fair that she repaid him.

When they finally got through the line, Clary was blinded by the multicolored lights shining throughout the room. There was glitter all over the floor, along with a few spilt drinks. Clary bit her lip, not daring to take another step in her hazardous shoes. Who thought someone who spent most of their time killing demons couldn't handle a pair of tall shoes?

Noticing her hesitation, Jace put and arm around her waist, holding her in a gentle but strong way. "I won't let you fall," he promised, and Clary smiled up at him.

Jace helped guide her through the crowds of dancing people. There was a large variety of guests; vampires, werewolves, warlocks, other shadowhunters, and to Clary's surprise, fairies. "There are fairies here," Clary pointed out to Jace.

"Magnus was one of the people who didn't want them to be punished. In his eyes, all of the Downworlders remain equal," he explained, but his attention seemed to be elsewhere. "One second Clary, I'll be right back."

Jace had disappeared into the crowd before Clary could say another word. She looked around, searching for someone else she knew, maybe Isabelle or Simon. But even with her extra inches of height, Clary couldn't see anyone else she recognized. Someone shoved past Clary quickly, spilling a purple substance on the front of her dress.

"Oh, shit, Izzy is going to kill me," Clary swore under her breath and pushed her way towards Magnus's kitchen. But not much later did Clary come to realize that even paper towels weren't doing anything to dry the dress or clear the stain. "At least it's black," Clary said shrugging. Out of the corner of her eye, Clary noticed a punch bowel that was filled with the same purple liquid that had been spilled on her. A fairie standing nearby followed her gaze and said, "I'm not sure you want that. It's loaded with alcohol, tastes like ten drinks in one."

Eyeing the drink, Clary frowned. Jace did say she needed to let everything go tonight, relieve her stress. _It really can't make things anymore chaotic than they already are, _Clary thought. Grabbing a red solo cup, she picked up the ladle.

….

Clary couldn't stop laughing. She didn't remember what that vampire had said, but it had been r_eally _funny. It'd been about thirty minutes since Jace had left, but it felt like hours. That was okay though, because Clary had met some new people, and they were the _best._

"Uh oh," Ariel, the fairie she had been talking to before she'd gotten her first drink, said, "here come's trouble."

Clary turned where Ariel was looking and saw a boy with golden eyes that was wearing all black striding towards them. Clary cocked her head to the side and squinted as the boy stopped in front of her. "Do I know you?" she slurred.

Sighing, the boy rubbed his temples. "You're not drunk, are you?" he asked.

Clary shrugged, and dragged out her words. "I don't know, maybe just a little bit."

"Here, I'll take you home Clary. I'm sorry, I got caught up in a conversation and then I couldn't find you-"

Clary stood up. "Oh, Jace. It's fine, I'm just feeling a little tired," she said. Before she knew it Clary was falling into his arms.

Jace's face was the last thing she saw before everything went black.

…..

_Chapter 3 Preview:_

_After a busy night, Clary has a strange dream, involving the brother she never had._

…..

**A/N: So here's my second update! I hope that you all are going to enjoy this story!**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

_There was a knock at the door, and Clary flinched. Even though she had been expecting his arrival, it didn't make the situation any more appealing. They knocked on the door yet again, and Clary groaned, pulling her pillow over her head. She'd only been able to sleep for a few hours, since she and Jace had been training until three in the morning. Now, only a few hours later, the wakeup call she'd been dreading had finally come. _

"_Clary, are you awake?" asked a voice and Clary rolled over onto her back with a sigh._

_Squinting at the ceiling she replied, "No."_

"_Come on," the voice pleaded. "Clary you promised you'd help me get ready!"_

"_Couldn't we wait a few hours?"_

_They replied, seeming slightly frustrated now, "She'll be her in a few hours. Please Clary, couldn't you get up? I don't ask that much of you." Clary didn't respond, and after a few minutes she thought that they'd given up and left. But then, much to her disappointment she heard the door open. _

_Turning her head Clary finally got to see who her visitor was. A boy with white-blond hair and green eyes that were nearly identical to hers was staring down at Clary with his arms crossed. Black runes decorated his arms and crossed over his collarbone. Alongside the runes there were many scars, which Clary found abnormal. The _iratze _rune normal healed the shadowhunters injuries before they were able to scar. But her attention was quickly drawn away from that when he reached over and yanked off her covers._

"_Get up," he demanded._

"_Quit it Johnathon, I'm trying to sleep-"_

"_Clary-"_

"_If don't put the covers back on I'll get Jace to deal with you-"_

"_Clary you promised!"_

_For a moment, neither sibling spoke. Then finally, deciding that since she was already awake there was no point in telling him no, Clary sat up and jumped off the side of her bed. "Okay, I'll help you. But for the record, you are older than me, and it's sad that I'm the one helping you pick out your clothes." _

_A smile spread on Johnathon's face, as he led her out of the room and down the hall to his own. The past few weeks Johnathon and her had been staying at the Institute to so that they'd have more time to train, but Clary had been using it more so to spend more time with Jace._

_The moment Clary walked into his room she was reminded of Isabelle. Clothes were draped over the bed, chairs, and laid out on the floor. But as Clary looked closer, she realized that all of her brother's clothes were laid out in a neat formation, accompanied with a matching pair of pants. Over in the corner, about eight pairs of shoes were all sitting in an orderly fashion. _

_Clary couldn't help it; she laughed._

"_I know, I'm a dork," Johnathon admitted to his sister holding up his hands in surrender. "I laid out twenty-two different possible outfits, and my shoes are in the corner. Now please, stop laughing for just a moment and help me get ready for my date?"_

…

"_What did you tell her to wear, if you told her anything about clothing?"_

_Johnathon squinted in concentration. "Well, I told her it was going to be more casual, but still nice."_

"_Okay, then she'll most likely be wearing a sundress," Clary picked up a black collared long-sleeved shirt off of his bed, but left the pants there. "So the shirt is the 'nice' part of what you told her," Clary walked over to the chair and took a pair of denim jeans. "The jeans are the 'casual' part."_

_Shoving the clothes into Johnathon's arms, she stared down at the variety of shoes. Picking up a pair of black and white converse, she handed them to her brother as well. "Now, do you have any cologne?"_

"_Well, I do, but Jace gave it to me for Christmas last year and I'm too scared to use it. I'm pretty sure that the stuff in that bottle is supposed to make me smell the opposite of appealing."_

_Clary laughed. "You're probably right. You know what, Jace has this one that I love, so I'll go get it, and you change, okay?" Without waiting for a response, Clary walked out, shutting the door behind her._

…

_Sure enough, Jace was asleep and snoring rather loudly. Clary opened the door quietly, and tiptoed into the room. His dresser was on the other side of the room, and if Clary was remembering correctly, he kept his cologne in the top right drawer. Creeping across the room, she grabbed the handle of the drawer and pulled it open._

_Or she at least tried to. The drawer was jammed. Clary let out a sigh and tugged, but it still wouldn't budge. Giving one last attempt, she pulled at it with all of her might. This time, it did budge. In fact, Clary had pulled the drawer right out of the dresser itself. The bottles in the drawer made a loud sound, glass against glass and she prayed that nothing broke. Grabbing the light blue bottle, Clary just set the drawer down on the floor and made for the door. _

_As she was just about to walk out of the room, a voice asked, "Clarissa Fray, what are you doing sneaking into my room so early in the morning?"_

"_So close," Clary said, turning around. She didn't really see a point in lying to him, so she took a deep breath and said as quickly as she could, "I had to borrow something for Johnathon. Now, I'll go, and you can go back to sleep. By the way your drawers broken."_

_Jace looked over at his dresser, then back to her. "What-"_

"_I love you!" With that, Clary was on her way back to her brother's room._

…

_She had to admit, Johnathon looked nice. His overall appearance was striking, and Clary was happy with her work. "I seriously need to show you off to Isabelle, I think she'd be proud of me."_

_He laughed, taking the bottle of cologne from Clary. "Thanks again for helping me, Clary. I just want everything to be perfect; she's truly unlike any girl I've ever met."_

"_What's her name again?"_

"_Abigale Hawthorne," Johnathon replied. "I can't wait for you to meet her. She's beautiful, caring, funny, and just perfect. Everything you'd look for in a girl."_

"_Well, if you're happy, I'm happy," she said, pulling her big brother into a hug. "I love you, Johnathon."_

"_I love you too, sis."_

…

With a start, Clary woke up. Her heart was racing, and she had broken out in a cold sweat. Rubbing her eyes, she looked out the window of her room. It was still dark, and she couldn't have been asleep for that long. But Clary had a feeling she wouldn't be able to fall back asleep tonight.

…

_Chapter 4 Preview: _

_Clary tells Jace about her dream, and has another dream of the life that wasn't hers._

…

**A/N: I'm so sorry that it took me so long to update! I was at my grandparents and my work was saved at my house. But I know this chapter was a little silly and definitely not the best of my work, but I hope it made you curious!**

…

**Please Review!**


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